The phobic Blogger

18Jun13

I’ll admit it… I’ve been phobic about coming online.  I’ve been stuck feeling somewhere between wordless and worried, distracted by graduation parties with meat trays and cubed cheesed stabbed with toothpicks.  The transition into summer hasn’t been smooth, and my vow to keep up on this blog weekly has fallen apart like a New Year’s resolution.

My house has gone to shit – dust in the corners and crumbs on the floor – and the pile of papers and stories I’ve been working on are covered in a fine, thin layer of dust next to a crumpled atlas of the United States. I’ve been following the Hong Kong leaker with an almost stalkerish vigilance and literally driving past the house of an alleged former Nazi holed up in NE Minneapolis.

My hair has faded from a popping red to a washed out pink and part of me doesn’t give a damn. My grandiosity has moved and forgotten to leave me her new number.  If you see her, send her my way.  Tell her I got a postcard with her name on it.

 

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10 Responses to “The phobic Blogger”

  1. 1 fojap

    One of my mother’s friends whose daughter, near my age, has bipolar recommended the book “Touched with Fire.” You’ve probably heard of it. It’s about the relationship between bipolar illness and creativity. I read it years ago, so pardon me if I forget the details.

    When I read it, something occurred to me, but it’s just speculation. I wondered if bipolar illness didn’t actually make people more creative per se, but perhaps it gave them the grandiosity, as you call it, to put themselves out there. Sometimes, when I see a writer or artist saying how their work is so great and trying to get other people to look at it, I’m amazed at the confidence that seems slightly out of touch with reality but so useful sometimes. It would be nice to be able to have that on the days that we need it. I never feel that. I’m riddled with self-doubt almost everyday of my life. I had a psychiatrist once give me a questionnaire with statements like “I feel powerful: frequently, sometimes, occasionally, never.” I went down the page and marked – never, never, never for every question.

    Anyway, it might have nothing to do with that, so I don’t know why I brought it up. Even people without bipolar illness go through phases sometime. Try to relax and know you’ll come out of it. Do you know that one of my favorite paintings took me ten years to finish. I just got stuck an put it in a corner. I learned that most of these things I pick up again one day, but I didn’t know that I would I was younger. Don’t worry too much about the unfinished stories. When you’re ready you’ll finish them.

    This time last year I was in a psychiatric hospital, which is what got me started reading your blog in the first place. There’s lots of dust in my corners right now – but at least I’m not talking about killing myself, so I can live with a little dust. If you’re feeling more or less okay, but it’s just the blog and the dust bothering you, cut yourself a little slack. The dust will still be there to be cleaned next week. No hurry.

    It’s funny, yesterday evening I looked at my Reader and it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen a post from you in a while. I was hoping you were okay. Glad to see that it’s not too serious.

    Well, congrats to the kid on her graduation.

    • Yeah, I read that book years ago, too. This bipolar thing for sure has moments of high productivity and low points. I think I was in a kind of funk, really, feeling very unmotivated to communicate and create. It’s funny, because I’m so bored in those moments, but unable to pull myself out. I just have to give it time… At least my computer isn’t freaking me out still! More to come soon…

  2. 3 Rose

    So glad to see you back. I go through fits and spells where I’ll blog a lot, then not at all. I can also relate to dust in the corners, although mine is more like dust and dog hair. 🙂 I really enjoy your stories and hope more turn up. In the meantime, don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t worry so much about your content, and just worry about getting something down. Best, Smrtie

  3. Well, the phobic blogger hasn’t lost her poetic way with words! Only you can make misery into something eloquent!!

  4. 6 Luanne

    That’s why I don’t do red any more! It was too stressful watching it fade! You’ve captured how I feel so often about other things, not just blogging.

    • Ah thanks! I just dyed my hair again, so all is looking up. Did you change your handle / site? Anyway, thanks for keeping up with my work (or lack of) these days. It makes me feel like I should keep fighting to come here, to put up some stories or experiences and make connections.

  5. 8 sincerelymargaret

    Sometimes I think we share a brain, Lady A. Don’t mind me, I’m just being creepy over here.

    Either way, I enjoyed this post because I’m once again reminded that I’m not the only crazy person doing this whole blogging thing. Keep it up, lady!

    • Ms. Books! I’m so thrilled to hear from you… I’ve had a hard time staying current on this blog, but like you, I keep stumbling and falling and getting back up again. I’ve missed you so much!

      • 10 sincerelymargaret

        Well I’m glad we keep getting back up! I’ve missed you too, and I’m quite glad to be back!


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